The phone rang. I hear her voice and was happy to speak to her. Then the message came… The sun hid its face, dark clouds started to form, the world was turning but time stood stil. It felt like there was no more ground under my feet. I didn’t want to believe her, but the suddenly the message hit me. You were really gone. Tuesday, June 15 2010…the day my daddy died.
Anger
For a long period of my child-, and adulthood I was angry with you. You weren’t there for me, I hardly saw you. Where was this dad that I needed so much? I blamed you for a lot of things, put up a wall between us and acted like I didn’t care. This was all just an act, because the little girl inside of me was crying out for you. For your attention, your hug, your smile…your love.
How do I say goodbye to what we had? The good times that made us laugh, outweighed the bad. I thought we’d get to see forever, but forever has blown away. It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.
Turning Point
Then all of the sudden there was this turning point. Finally you stepped up to be a dad. You did your very best to reconnect with me. I could feel your love for me, your interest in my life, in your granddaughter. You invited me over for Christmas, you cooked, we laughed. I went home a very happy daughther. We talked and saw eachother more. You surprised me at my 35th birthday. The best gift my sister could have given me.
All I know is where we’ve been and what we’ve been through. If it gets me to tomorrow, I hope it’s worth all the pain. It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.
And then..
And then one week later my whole world came tumbling down. You had left the earth. I screamed, I was angry, devestated, didn’t know how to go on.
And I’ll take with me the memories to be my sunshine after the rain. It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.
Now six years have past and some how I managed to move on. It is still hard and I still miss you like crazy. Especially with all that is happening now. It would be so funny to have you on whatsapp. I know you would be crazy about your grandkids.
I still miss you on all the family gatherings, birthdays, Christmas and especially Fathersday. Just a few more days before all good dads are celebrated and all dead-beat-dads get a sneer on Facebook or Twitter.
To all the moms that deal with dead-beat-dads:
– never put them down in front of your child. He may deserve it, but your child doesn’t. How bad he may be, they still might long for him.
– remember that your child has 50% of his dna. Putting him down, they might take it personal
– just lift up your head, be proud of yourself, grind everyday and be a awesome mom.
To all the moms that deal with dads:
– give them the recognition that they are good dads. Not just on Fathersday, but any given day of the week. Doesn’t matter is your are still together or not. Like us moms, they are doing the best they can.
Today I dedicate this blog to my dad. We started out bad, but you died being my hero.
I will always be,
Daddy’s Little Girl
June 15 2010 – June 15 2016
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